Fascination with fat

A common question threading its way through the gaining and fat admiring world is "where did we get this fascination with fat?" I've been pondering this question myself lately, and decided to share some of my experience here.

Some Background

I have my first memory of considering fat when I was around 5 or 6 years of age; that is, fat as something interesting, curious, fascinating, and captivating. I would hesitate to say there was anything "sexual" about it at that age, but there was certainly an attraction to it. I remember seeing one of my good friends at the pool, and seeing the softness of his abdomen. He wasn't fat by any definition; just a hint of soft flab/baby fat over his abs. But I was fascinated by the way it looked... the subtle jiggle when he moved or walked... the way it would compress into stacked rolls when he sat down. When I looked down at my own stomach, I saw ribs and concavity -- whereas he had rolls and fat dimples. The difference fascinated me; and the softness of his fat greatly intrigued me. These are my earliest memories of fat attraction.

Me at around 15. Clearly, I needed to eat something. 

The fascination for fat persisted from that point on. As a child of the 70s, there were few fat kids out there, so I really had to go looking for it. The pool became one of my favorite places to spy a belly here or there. Also, at around age 10, I began to notice that after summer vacations, some of my friends would return to school in September with a budding belly, evidence that their vacations were spent lazily indulging. The notion that a boy could be lazy, eat greedily, and grow a fat belly became increasingly irresistible to me. I found myself "friending" my plumped peers after their summer holidays, spending more time with them on the off-chance that I might catch a glimpse of their bellies. I even had one friend who told me he deliberately wanted to gain weight, because he was tired of being the "puny" kid in school. I observed with fascination as he slowly thickened by indulging in candies and junk food. At one point, in the seventh grade, he caught me staring at his mid-section while we studied at adjacent library carrels. He lifted up his shirt and his belly plopped out, and he smiled at me in great pride at his accomplishment. I struggled to hide my erection.

At the same time, I had a paper route and therefore began to earn pocket change to spend however I chose. I would stop at the local market and buy soda and chips or candy to enjoy on my route. While I can't recall this being a purposeful attempt to gain weight, I did, in fact, put on a small belly. It was enough of a belly to get the attention of my friend, who said I looked "sorta fat" in a class picture. Looking back, I can see it was barely anything, but for those skinny times in the early 80s, I guess it stood out a bit.

I was enthralled at the new fat on my body, little as it was, because it was the "stuff" that I dreamed about yet could never have. Now it was on me, and I loved the feel and look of it. This was the first time I would try to position myself to get comments from friends. When at summer camp at age 12, I would take off my shirt with my bunk mate's full attention, and ask if I was getting fat. If he said I was, I would deny it, saying, "no way, where do you see it?" Evidently, I was guiding him to provide a belly poke, grab, or rub... and if provided, it fed my dreams for weeks and months to follow. To have a male friend poke or grab my fat, or to let me grab his, was the stuff of fantasy.

I also began to research fat. Really, I just wanted to hear more about it. I wanted to see it written in print. The word: fat. F-A-T. Just seeing it written would send chills down my spine. I began to study the dictionary, finding every possible definition and synonym for fat. I remember stumbling upon the word "adipose", the scientific name for fatty tissue, and getting fully aroused.

adipose tissue

adi.pose adj. of, like, or containing animal fat; fatty -n fat in the connective tissue of an animal's body.

adi.pos.ity n. 1. the state of being fat; obesity 2. a tendency to become obese.

Oh adiposity, how thee enraptured me.

I studied the composition of fat, how calories were converted to fat, and how and where fat was stored in the body. Keep in mind this was all before the Internet, so I was limited to dictionaries, encyclopedias, and other reference materials, often smuggled to the back of the school library where I could peruse my fatty fascination in private. I remember reading my mother's copy of Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, the parenting bible of the time, and getting flush when I read that,

"There seems to be a normal tendency for many children, including the cheerful and successful ones, to put on extra weight in the seven- to twelve-year old period. Very few of these children become excessively obese; they are just slightly overpadded. Most of them stay plump during the two years of very rapid puberty development, then slim down as they get further into adolescence." 

Mmmm....overpadded. I read that line over and over and over again. I want to be overpadded. I want to play with the overpadded bellies of my peers. Mmmm.

It was also around this time that I started scouring magazines for pictures of bellied boys, or following news reports of male celebrities who had plumped up. This was not an easy task. Consider how easy it is to track your favorite celebrity's weight gain nowadays with the Internet, through websites, fan sites, listserves, etc. At that time, I had to go to bookstores and spend hours leaving through every celeb magazine in hopes of catching some chub sightings. Many of these magazines were geared toward teenage girls; so this was the first time I had to risk being seen as "weird" because I was ogling the boys in Tiger Beat and Bop magazines, rather than reading Sports Illustrated.

My late childhood/early teen years were idyllic in that they allowed me to casually explore my fascination with fat in a discreet way. I had always loved sports, but now I loved playing even more because it meant lingering in the locker rooms and catching some bellies of my plump teammates. Likewise, camping through Boy Scouts allowed many opportunities for belly sightings, whether swimming or in the tent.

But as I got older, the fascination with fat became more of a hurdle. It had become so central in my thoughts and fantasies that I could no longer ignore these desires, yet it was becoming increasingly evident that they were outside the realm of "socially acceptable". First, the idea of being "gay" was confusing to me. Again, this was before gay was a term heard regularly in the news, except if some gay rights parade ended in police clashes. The gays portrayed in these parades were bombastic and flamboyant -- not exactly my cup of tea. I really wasn't attracted to the outlandish, flamboyant guys either. Where were the "boyish" guys, the ones who played sports, drank beer, and had cute beer bellies? You know, the guys that I grew up, and grew attached to?

Needless to say, my late teens and early 20s were difficult times for me, as I tried repeatedly to date women but couldn't get past my fascination for men's bellies. Even women who had small bellies did nothing for me... there was something about how fat was stored on a man's frame that held such delight, whereas women just seemed naturally curvy and plump -- there was nothing special about their fat. Men, however, had to work to be fat. They were naturally strong and fit. If they grew a belly, it must have been due to overindulgence, sloth, gluttony. That difference was very important, for some reason. And I realized, eventually, that I was indeed gay, even if I didn't have the traditional attraction to men that my soon-to-become gay friends had. They would go on and on about a guy's cock size, his massive muscles, his abs, his bubble butt... while I listened quietly and made mental notes about how another guy's shirt snugly embraced his rounded abdomen, the result of too many eclairs and nights of partying.

The Present

I have been out for years now, and in a relationship for almost 10 years. I met my partner, unsurprisingly, by noticing his small belly while on the dance floor (in addition to some great dance moves and gorgeous face). Our relationship has lasted for many reasons, but one of which was the fact that he had that small belly from the beginning. It has grown and shrunk over the years, as he periodically frets about not being a glamorous twink anymore (I doubt he ever really was), and then gives in to gluttony. It is an important part of my sexual experience with him, although he hates his body fat and would prefer I didn't call attention to it. When I see him sitting up and his belly pooches forward, or leaning on his side as rolls pile up, or catch the glimmer of fat dimples and cellulite in just the right light, my heart skips a beat. As we unite toward climax, I picture him growing fatter through gluttony and overindulgence, and I am overwhelmed.

Clearly, then, fat is an important component of my sexual attraction and identity. In a way, I have two sexualities. I am gay, and I am attracted to fat. They are not mutually exclusive for me. I am not attracted to fat in females, nor am I attracted to males who lack fat. It has been a long journey for me to reach this sexual enlightenment, and I am happy to have arrived. When I speak to younger guys who are new to exploring their sexuality AND their fat attraction, I have great respect for the challenges they'll encounter...and concerns for their future. I am hopeful their enlightenment will be speedier than mine. Fortunately, technology has allowed us to share our experiences in ways not available to me, so I am hopeful that their experiences will be less wrought with despair and confusion.

But I am happy to say...I LOVE FAT. Its taken me many moons to say this, but its true. Fat is amazing.

My preference is for soft, squeezable fat, as opposed to hard fat (such as the solid, "pregnant" gut that some men develop). I love to hold soft fat in my hands, and to feel its texture, warmth, and subtle movement. There is nothing more titillating than standing behind a beautiful man with a pudgy mid-section, wrapping my arms around him, and filling both of my hands with his ample softness. I love when soft fat produces little dimples or puckering, so you visually see how soft it is, even before touching. I think cellulite is something to admire, not abhor. It contains pockets of fat, wonderfully webbed together to create a tapestry of softness. It is a feast for the eyes as well as the skin.

Over the years, since my paper route days, I have enjoyed growing my own fat, and deeply enjoyed the pleasure of having it rubbed, squeezed and caressed by another man. Although my interest in gaining or losing weight fluctuates with time and fashion seasons, I have never, nor will I ever, lose my interest in fat. It is inexplicably intertwined with my sexuality and my identity. I have learned to not question it, but to accept it and embrace it.

Looking Forward

My advice for the younger guys out there, or even the older guys who are just now coming to terms with their sexuality and their fat attraction, is to accept it and embrace it, and don't question it. Attractions are developed in a myriad of ways, and I doubt even if you wanted to discover the "why" behind your attractions, you couldn't. Perhaps, similar to being gay, there is a genetic underpinning. But we simply don't know, and even if we did, would it really matter? The fact is, if you are reading this blog, you are attracted to fat. The sooner you accept that attraction and embrace it within the totality of your overall identity, the happier you will likely be.

A big part of embracing your fat attraction is similar to being gay -- you have to be comfortable enough with your identity to "out" yourself to important people in your life. Within the past few years, I have "outted" my fat attraction to friends and some family, with impressive results. Nobody has questioned or challenged my attraction...how could they? It is what it is. Some of my gay friends give me quizzical looks when I say I greatly prefer flab over abs, but there is rarely any follow-up. Its like telling your friends you are attracted to a certain race of men, or certain height, or religion, or even occupation. Who are they to challenge your attractions?

I think if more of us were out and open in our fat attractions, then people would begin to take notice ... and realize that it is not such an unusual thing after all. It is similar to the increasing acceptance of homosexuality in our society; the more widespread it is, and the more "normal" it seems, the more it becomes something that "just is", as opposed to something "else".