The Case for (Non) Monogamy: Relationships in the Gainer World

I was originally going to write this post early this year, as the boyfriend and I celebrated 11 years together, the latter 7 of which have been spent in a non-monogamous, or open, relationship. I had planned to argue the strengths and weaknesses of monogamous versus non-monogamous relationships, particularly as it pertains to the unique kink(s) of the gainer community, and using our relationship as an example.

However, life got busy and I had to postpone writing this post. And life became more complicated (when doesn't it?) and several weeks ago the boyfriend and I decided to end our relationship. There were a lot of reasons behind our decision, and I won't bore you with all those details. Afterward, I thought that maybe I shouldn't write this post; after all, what right do I have to write about relationships, monogamous or non-monogamous, when mine just ended? On the other hand, we did have a successful and long term relationship (isn't 11 years in a gay relationship the equivalent of 44 years in a straight relationship?) So maybe there were some nuggets of useful advice I could offer?

The regular readers of this blog will know that I have struggled over the years with how to integrate my gainer kink with my relationship. For years, I kept my gainer profile on the down low, a secret from my partner. He has always known I like bellies; I told him that the first day we met. But for the longest time, he didn't know the extent of my belly love. He didn't know about my online profiles for quite a while. He didn't know I had gained on purpose; he probably thought I was just getting older and fatter. He didn't know about my videos or blog until very recently. It was a lot to keep secret, but I managed for many years. As he discovered more and more about my participation in the gaining world, it was both surprising and enlightening for him. He was learning more about my sexuality, which although initially shocking it later allowed us to be more honest about both of our sexual interests. It seemed, therefore, that honesty and openness really was the best policy, despite the initial problems.

So first, I want to tell you a bit about our situation, before expounding on the virtues of monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. As mentioned, we were together 11 years, and the first 4 were the monogamy years (strictly followed by me, less so by him as I've come to understand). The first several years were characterized by frequent and enjoyable sex. Although he was not into belly play or gaining per se, he had a small belly that I would slyly enjoy during sex, satisfying my sexual urges. He also gained some relationship weight due to a ravenous snacking appetite, again providing surreptitious satisfaction to my gainer fantasies. However, in the third year I noticed that sex became less frequent and less exciting. It was routine and mundane, and still lacked the gainer piece. Further, he had caught on at this point that his belly was a BIG (heh) part of my sexual arousal and that bothered him, since he was so ashamed of it. So he strongly discouraged me from attending to, grabbing, squeezing and poking it during sex, which for me decreased the overall appeal of our sex. At the same time, I had discovered Beefyfrat and was meeting guys online who were interested in meeting in person. I was terribly curious how a meetup with another in the gaining scene would be. Would it be as fun as I had imagined? Would it be very different from sex I had with my boyfriend?

And so, I broached the subject with the boyfriend, and he happily agreed to open things up. We set up some ground rules for our new non-monogamous relationship: 1) no anal sex, 2) safe activities only, and 3) show respect for each other (i.e., only have an outside encounter if the other person is busy or traveling). Things progressed well after that, more so than I imagined. Having always been a proponent of monogamy, I was suspicious that it might not work, yet it worked wonderfully. I was able to get my belly/gaining kink met with like-minded guys, and he was able to do his thing (he liked anonymous sexual encounters). Whereas before I suffered from suspicion about his activities, now I could relax knowing that if he was having an encounter, it was permitted. We continued to have sex as well, but this did start to wane over time, perhaps because it was so easy to have it elsewhere. We also loosened the rules over time, to the point where we could pretty much do anything with anyone at anytime. Was this too much for our relationship to bear? Should we have kept some rules in place and emphasized our own sexual intimacy more? In hindsight, it's still hard to say. But since we were both so interested in our unique kinks, maybe this was inevitable. Perhaps we stayed together this long because we were not monogamous.

And this is what I have concluded -- that we stayed together this long because we were non monogamous. Our sexual needs were just too divergent, and neither of us were will willing or able or sufficient in meeting those needs. He simply hated his belly, so there was no amount of pleading or encouragement that would change his mind. He would grab my belly if I told him to, but who wants to have to instruct their partner all the time, on something they don't really want to do? Likewise, he thrives on anonymous sex. How on earth could I satisfy that urge for him?

Let's face it. It is highly unlikely (or impossible) to find a partner that matches our sexual kinks perfectly. Even if a couple came close to a perfect match, there is still the issue of mundanity in the sex. Over time, it just gets routine, predictable and boring. It takes work to spice it up, and temptations abound from outside the relationship. So no matter how perfect the sexual match, couples will always need to work at meeting the sexual needs of their partner.

A fascinating article in the New York Times Magazine quoted the blog of Dan Savage, who argues that couples should aim to be "GGG (“good, giving, and game… Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure’ and ‘game for anything – within reason’”). The key word for this discussion is game; that is, is our partner game for meeting our sexual kinks, within reason? According to Savage, if your partner isn't game to meet your sexual desires, it is unreasonable to expect monogamy within that relationship, because you will be unsatisfied. Savage believes that many relationships, gay and straight, would never need to divorce if both partners adhere to the GGG rule. Further, Savage believes that even if one partner can't be game to a particular kink, non-monogamy is a perfectly legitimate way to meet that need while sustaining the core of the relationship. That is indeed what kept us going these 11 years, as my boyfriend was not game for gaining play, and I really didn't want to go without. For us, non-monogamy sustained our relationship.

Over the years I have had lots of members of the gainer community message me and ask about this issue. Most have a civilian boyfriend or one who is lukewarm about gaining and encouraging, and it leaves the gainer unsatisfied. He wants belly play, feedings, encouragement, or minimally some activities in the sack that call attention to fat and/or bellies. But since society has ingrained fat phobia in our minds, it is often very difficult for the civilian partner to be game. For many, gaining and fat is unhealthy, grotesque, and unwanted. How could a pleasurable activity like sex incorporate something so undesirable? It seems antithetical.

And this is where non-monogamy could help address this disparity. By going outside the relationship to meet one's gainer kink, it keeps the relationship core solid and doesn't ask one's partner to do something he doesn't want to. You and your partner could focus on the intimate activities that do work well, while allowing each other some freedom to let others fill in the missing pieces.

But of course, the decision to be non-monogamous is never that easy. It involves emotions like love, jealousy, guilt, and worry. It requires trust in your partner to follow the rules. It also requires faith that your partner won't fall in love with someone else. Of course, this could happen anyway, even while in monogamous relationship, but being open does heighten some of these possibilities.

Below I will describe what I think are the benefits of a monogamous and non-monogamous relationship, respectively, as it relates to the gaining community.

The Case for Monogamy

Being committed to one person sexually does have many benefits. For one, it usually means that you don't need to worry about using protection. The couple gets thoroughly tested beforehand, and chose to stop using condoms because it's easier and feels better. This relies significantly on trust, because if either partner cheats he is exposing his significant other to whatever bugs he picks up. For many, this kind of trust is important, and psychologically they report it is easier than worrying who or what your partner is doing.

Related, monogamy can help ease the jealousy and worry about one's partner. Many guys I talk to say that they simply cannot handle the jealousy when thinking about their partner with another man. Indeed, one really needs to feel comfortable with his partner to allow him to be with other men, secure in knowing that the relationship is strong and his partner won't stray. My boyfriend struggled with this, because he knew I was meeting with guys for belly play as well as sex. He worried that I would meet another guy who I clicked with in addition to having the common belly kink. This is a valid worry. So monogamy would help ease the jealous feelings.

On the other hand, monogamy requires both partners to have game. If your partner wants to wear heels in bed, you need to go along with it. Likewise, if we want to gain weight, or have our belly played with, or have our partner feed us, or play with his belly -- our partner needs to oblige. I think this is why many guys are looking for love in the online gaining communities. It's just easier to fall in love with someone who shares your kink, and hopefully the sex life stays vibrant and exciting over time.

Monogamy can be very comforting, secure, and help to deepen the love you share. Because both partners have agreed to relinquish outside sex and focus exclusively on each other, there is a commitment to making it work. So for those guys who want to stay monogamous but are worried about bringing up their gaining desires with their partners, I say go for it. Remember, you partner is also committed to making this work, and hopefully will see the benefits of satisfying you as well as getting his own satisfaction. If he doesn't, or if he thinks your kink is weird or unappealing, do you really think he's the right guy for you?

The Case for Non-Monogamy

I used to think that nobody wanted a non-monogamous relationship, probably because I didn't want one either and I didn't know anyone who did. But with time and expansion of my social circles, I have learned that there are many couples who are happily non-monogamous. I've even met some where they never wanted monogamy, even initially, because they realized it just wasn't for them. I met a lesbian couple who were happily partnered but each had a long time girlfriend that they visited frequently and were very open about it. One of my gay friends is now choosing monogamy, while his partner is sticking with non-monogamy. They both seem content with their respective decisions.

The obvious advantage of non-monogamy as it relates to gaining is that you can find others who share your kink and satisfy those desires. Now that I am single, I am considering whether I can find a guy in the gainer community to date and share our attractions, but I realize it's unlikely we will truly satisfy every urge. In chatting with community members, some want role play; others talk about m-preg; some discuss stuffing; others talk about growing fat; some want to be immobile, and others change their mind about gaining every day. I doubt I would meet someone who closely matches my desires, and being open allows me to pursue those desires.

On the other hand, non-monogamy requires work as well. You have to practice safe sex at all times, unless your non-monogamy pact sets firm limits of sexual activity (e.g., belly play is acceptable but pants stay on). It also takes a lot of work to set up your outside dates, as well as attend to your own relationship. Remember, you have to make sure your own relationship is healthy before spending copious amounts of time arranging outside encounters. With regard to gaining, this means checking with your partner to make sure that weight gain is allowable; and if so, what are the limits?

The couple also needs to work together to communicate and be truly open in their activities as well, so that trust is maintained. That is one area where my relationship failed. There was an atmosphere of distrust and lack of disclosure that was not healthy. But with good communication and honestly, there is no reason why it would have to be that way. Most relationships start with monogamy and later turn to non-monogamy. Why? Because relationships need intimacy and trust to grow stronger, so monogamy is often important at first. But later, when we grow to trust our partners, and perhaps also become weary of the same-old sex, there is often a relaxation of rules. It doesn't evoke such strong feelings of jealousy, in part because we trust our partner but also because it means we get sexual satisfaction as well. :)

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There is much more than can be said about monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, particularly as it relates to the gaining world, but this is a start. I think it's a conversation the community needs to have. I've been at Grommoffs and told members I was in an open relationship, only to have scoffs and criticism. Most people couch these comments by admitting they could never be in an open relationship -- and by doing so insinuate that there is something wrong with me or my relationship to have that arrangement. This is a naive and narrow-minded way to look at the diversity in our community. More conversation is necessary as well as more openness of thought. Considering how usual our kink is, flexibility in considering how our relationships begin and mature is essential.

In the New York Times article mentioned above, the author cites a study that found 50 percent of gay couples are in mutually-agreeable non-monogamous relationships. This suggests that non-monogamy is hardly unusual or rare. Understanding how it can be integrated in relationships in the gainer community is a worthwhile goal.