Cruising Chubs

I thought I would take a wee break from my headier postings and talk a little about one of my favorite vacation pastimes: the cruise. It is, in a word, delightful. You get to explore the world, stopping at different ports of call and sampling the local traditions, customs, and of course, beers. Its like a chocolate sampler: you taste all the varieties, decide what you like and don't like, and then you know where you'd like to return in the future for a longer stay. Being on a floating hotel makes it so easy because each day your ship is docked at a new port, often in a new country. How easy is that??

More than the ease of touring the world, cruising offers the gainer/admirer/encourager a rare opportunity to be around gluttony that is, at least temporarily, not only condoned but cheered wholeheartedly. The cruise ship is home to endless buffets and multiple dining options. There are sit-down dining halls, buffet stations, snack bars, ice cream machines, popcorn machines, burger stands, outdoor bbq's, pizzerias, and speciality restaurants. There are loads of bars all over the ship for your drinking pleasure. You can dine 24 hours a day if you want to...and many people do. On a cruise ship, you dine even when you are not hungry, just because its there. After all, how often do you take the time to chop up a fruit salad at home? Bake 5 different cakes? Prepare 10 different entree choices? On a cruise, its done everyday for you, and all you have to do is attach your feed bag and get to work.

One of my favorite things to do is walk around the ship on the first day and take some mental pictures of the hot guys at poolside. They often are showcasing their six-pack abs, fresh from the gym and ready for their vacations. Then, as the cruise progresses, I watch them grow to fill out their bathing suits, developing muffin tops that spread over, with clearly visible gluttony growth. For many, a 10 to 15 lb gain in 7-10 days is typical. For others, they easily surpass 20 lbs in that time. Of course, many of these hotties are straight and therefore untouchable (i.e., unrubbable), but its still delicious eye-candy.

On my latest cruise last week, which was a 9-day jaunt around the southern Caribbean, I watched all sorts of guys gobble up and pork out. The pool deck is a great place for documenting fatty growth, as these well-fed studs wobble from their deck chairs to the bar or pool, skin glistening in the sun with newly formed fat dimples that ripple and jiggle with every step. And there are always pool activities. One of my favorites, naturally, is the belly flop contest. But there are others that require guys to show off their studliness. One contest was for the best legs, in which the guys had to strut in front of women to show off their legs (picture above). But check out the guts they were toting at the same time! Personally, I would have rather inspected their guts than their legs. (By the way, the bloke you see on the stair rails, sliding down, started the cruise with a six-pack.)

Although I didn't participate in these contests (due to laziness, primarily, but probably also a hint of embarrassment to show my gluttony in front of my family), there were still some opportunities to show off my girth. I became friends with an Aussie couple, and the husband said that he was surprised that I wasn't in the belly flop contest (clearly a reference to my rounded waistline). Interestingly, this comment occurred after I decided earlier that day to jog a few laps on the running track, and this track went around the pool. I did this jog with two young fit guys I met on the cruise. Of course, they sped ahead and lapped me, while I lumbered behind shirtless, jiggling and bouncing around the ship. I'm sure it was quite a sight. But on a cruise ship, everyone gets fat, so you don't feel quite as obvious as you do elsewhere.

When at port, I toured around with my aunt, and she frequently reminded me to "suck it in" when taking pictures.What was really fun was trying to get my bathing suit fastened. My gut started to flow over the top, and push apart the laces on my board shorts. I'm sure I wasn't the only one on the ship who noticed that.

What surprises me is that, as far as I know, the annual gaining conferences (e.g., Expansion, Convergence) haven't been planned on cruise ships. They are held at hotels -- where you have to pay for meals (or get them catered). I'm not sure what the logic is behind this decision. On a cruise ship, meals are included, and there is no limit to the amount you can eat. Everyone else is piling up their plates, so there is no worry that you would stand out among the herd. Poolside and jacuzzis provide optimal time to show off the blubber and perhaps sneak a few rubs and pokes. Plus, you get to visit exciting ports of call, and show off your beefy girth to the world. Can you imagine if 100 beefy guys went on a cruise, and announced, for example, that they were disembarking in Key West for a port of call? That's a lot of prime grade beef getting off the ship, and would be quite the sight to watch it!

So this is my call to arms to the gaining community. Go on cruises! They are fun, fabulous, and fattening. You owe it to yourself...you work hard, and deserve a relaxing and fulFILLing vacation. And if you decide to go, let us all know -- maybe we'll book the cabin next to yours. :)