So, getting back to the distracted topic, the time around the holidays and new year were one of some upheaval in my life. The boy and I...having survived the past 8 years without killing each other...had reached a plateau where we were looking beyond the relationship to discover our erotic muses. Over the past few years, he was delving into all sorts of kink on xtube, while I was...well...engrossed in chub. While I had previously commented to him that I found bellies attractive and rejected the six-pack, I don't think he gave it much further thought. In fact, he has his own attractions to beefdom, especially muscled beef, which is probably how I've been able to gain 60 lbs without him causing much fuss.
But it was around this holiday time that we decided to come clean about our other attractions. We had a series of talks about what these attractions meant, and it probably comes as no surprise to hear that my attractions to fatness encompassed much of the conversational space (ahh, how life imitates art). He had a hard time understanding how I was attracted to this...and more importantly, how this attraction played out in real life. "What do you mean you meet another guy and eat, drink beer, and then rub bellies?" He was not okay with glib responses like "belly fun" or "belly play" or "admiring bellies." He actually said to me, "If you got together and sucked each other cocks, I could understand that. That makes sense to me. But I just can't picture a couple of guys eating and rubbing bellies and getting all turned on. I can't physically picture how that happens."
We talked more and more, in an effort to really understand each other and this new place that our relationship had come to. I told him that I was on some websites for fellow beefy admirers, and posted some pics of my belly and body as a way to show off whatever beef I had (he was relieved to know that my face wasn't in the pictures). I decided not to tell him the name of the sites, or the extent of my beefy exposure -- take it slowly, I thought, is the wise path to take. I think he appreciated my honesty about the gaining world, and what it meant to me. He was relieved to know that I wasn't asking him to gain -- and in fact, my dalliances around the beefy world were my way of satisfying that urge -- just like whatever interests he had at xtube.
But several months later, I was somewhat alarmed to see that he had, secretly, joined a few of the gainer websites. He was lurking at first I believe, but then I recognized a picture he posted of himself at the beach (because I took the picture). He did all this discretely and without my knowledge -- and when asked about it, he said that he "just wanted to see what kinds of guys were on here." I was pretty upset, to be honest. Here I had tried my best to be honest with him...well, as honest as I thought he and our relationship could handle...and he was now secretly joining the very secret worlds I had worked so hard to keep a secret. Oh, the irony. I climbed up on my high horse and accused him of stalking me, trying to follow me on these sites, and so on. I argued it was analogous to me following him around the city to see what he was up to. He understood this concern, and promptly deleted his accounts. I wonder if he really did though, as its pretty easy to lurk on these sites. And to be honest, I can't really blame him for wanting to know what this beefy world is all about.
Still, I felt violated thinking that my little beefy world was now exposed. I couldn't imagine him coming to dinner and saying to me, "wow, did you see Gainer123's update today? He's really fattened up nicely." It was almost like him speaking a language that he ought not to speak...a private inner language that only I knew. I suppose it would have been different had our relationship been built, to one extent or another, around beefy admiration from the beginning. But it never was, and now to see him at those sites, or even mentioning the profile names of certain people, literally gave me the shivers. When worlds collide...
Recently, he seems to have retreated from his expeditions to discover more about the world of beefy -- and I have stopped sharing any thoughts about it. I found this whole process interesting...from the initial disclosures, to the myriad questions, to the secret digging around for answers, and now the full-on retreat. He knows that this is an important aspect of my sexuality, and I'm sure this brings all sorts of anxiety-inducing thoughts into his head. It certainly would for me, were I in his shoes. He makes snide comments here and there, while catching me glance at a deliciously tight t-shirt on a cute guy walking by. I roll my eyes, as if to say, "puh-lease." But privately, I am annoyed that I can no longer have my belly gazing moments without his scrutinizing gaze.
We will have to return to the topic again soon, if for no other reason but to help us reconcile this new fatty revelation we are facing. I am not at all excited about that. Now that the fattened tabby is out of the bag, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am glad to not have to sneak around in my fatty foraging, and can even talk about it a bit with him. Its nice to not have to lie or deceive. I feel like I have come out...again. On the other hand, there is a part of me that misses the clandestine aspect of my gainer gazing. It still feels weird to share what I have been doing on gainer sites, or to talk about the people I have met. Even more, I worry about his reaction to my degree of ...*ahem...exposure. That's probably why I haven't told him about my videos...or my profiles...or this blog. Perhaps someday.
So what's the moral of this blog? I'm not really sure. I guess its that honesty is above all a good thing -- and that solid relationships can weather all sorts of new developments, including something like fat admiration -- so long as there is mutual respect, trust, and communication. But I had to ask myself a question. Is there a limit to which one can reveal a strong sexual attraction in a relationship when the other partner has no interest in said attraction? Does it do more harm than good to be that honest? Are some things best left for our private lives, our dreams and fantasies? And if so, how is this best communicated to our partners?
I'm not really sure -- but my guess is I'll know more in another six months. Perhaps you can share your pearls of wisdom as well? I know this is uncharted territory for many -- some guiding beacons of enlightenment and wisdom could help us all.
Wow, thank you for the interesting post. I'm glad to hear he was somewhat okay with the whole thing and that you guys can work through this... I know this is a rather personal issue, but if you could keep us updated on how this continues to impact your relationship, I for one would be grateful.
ReplyDelete~Alex / Ajchub
I know how you feel. your personal space has been invaded, but you're lucky it was only your boyfriend...
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you for opening yourself up and making yourself vulnerable again by discussing this topic and giving us a glimpse into your very personal relationship. I think it can be very instructive for the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I’m surprised that the whole topic of the gaining scene hasn’t reared itself already during your apparent eight-year relationship! Considering your level of involvement in the community, that’s quite remarkable.
Nevertheless, congratulations for getting the courage to finally broach the subject with him. Your experience illustrates the obvious challenges that you (and other bloggers) have identified between gainers/encouragers and so-called “civilians”—or even just “chubs,” for that matter, who don’t really “get” the whole fetish. It’s virtually impossible for these outsiders to totally get it, even when they surreptitiously enter the gainer world and try to understand.
That, of course, raises a number of interesting questions. Should we ever expect others to “get” it? Is it unrealistic to expect full understanding or acceptance from someone who’s not naturally drawn to this attraction? Should we be flattered or offended if/when they delve into our little world and see what it’s all about? Are we prepared for the possible rejection we face when someone we love learns about some of our most private desires? And perhaps most importantly, how critical is it for one’s significant other to embrace our own kinks in order for the relationship to work? Depending on the answer to that last question, should we confine our search for love and companionship to the gainer world, or open ourselves to the larger world with the knowledge that we may have to suppress this important side of our sexuality?
Hopefully, hearing more and more personal anecdotes like yours will help us come closer to answering some of those questions.
In any case, best of luck to the two of you!
-trin
I really admire your courage, honesty and integrity. That's a beacon in itself.
ReplyDeleteI think it's interesting and more than a little ironic that there are a gazillion guys on these sites who would kill for a partner who is supportive, involved and erotically interested in their gaining, and here you are, having brought your partner into it, and now you are throwing him out of it, so you can keep it to yourself--and do what, precisely, masturbate with strangers online than have exactly the kind of hot sex you've always wanted with a man who loves and cares about you? Seems more of a conflict about a greater level of intimacy with your partner than anything having to do with gaining per se. Or maybe it is about gaining? Are you afraid how huge you are going to be if your life partner is actively turned on and encouraging? It's obviously easier to put the brakes on the fattening when you are completely in control, at a distance, with completely strangers. If your home life and your relationship is actively encouraging, maybe you are terrified because you know how much you would let go, how obese you would (or even want to) actually become. In any case, my vote is for working through the intimacy conflict, bringing your partner fully on board and calling yourself on your fears of really getting what you want in your life in a complete and integrated way---that way lies happiness, my friend.
ReplyDeleteWhich do you like more about the gainer space - that it is "yours", or that it is gaining? It sounds almost like having an outlet outside your relationship is a large part, or even a majority, of the draw for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know your b/f's interests, but for the sake of discussion lets say it is leather, and you came home one day with a leather outfit from his favorite catalog, and he got upset with you for stalking him? (An imperfect example indeed).
Or what about if you were interested in and taught ballroom dancing, and he secretly took ballroom dancing lessons and surprised you one day? Would it make sense to be upset for him sneaking around behind your back?
I guess to me it seems like whenever you express an interest in something, there is an implicit invitation for the other person to see what that thing is about - whether it is a fetish, a movie or an activity.
I do think it is natural to feel a bit encroached upon when somebody starts joins in on something that was previously exclusively yours, (and it is a bit weird that he did so secretly), but it just doesn't seem like he is actually doing anything wrong.
Or is it a worry that he will somehow discover your degree of "exposure" and that will change his perception of you? I think he probably is on his way to figuring it out if he was on multiple sites that you were on - and really, I don't think there is much of a difference from a civilian's point of view from having one account on one site to having a few (as well as a great blog and a great youtube channel ;-) )
Anyway, keep us updated & I hope this comment is more useful than pretentious!
-CycloneGainer
My ex boyfriend was the love of my life. I can say this now, 5 years after we split up, as he's never really left my life. I still think about him and wonder whether our paths would cross again - unlikely as we now live many miles apart.
ReplyDeleteHe told me about all of his interest in the gaining world, and i didn't understand it at first. I couldn't get my head around it. I had all sorts of questions, like how did this affect us, how did he think of me, how did he see me, how did he see himself, why had he never told me... and i think in hindsight if we had spoken more about it we wouldn't have split up. But it tore me apart inside knowing that he had these profiles and i couldn't understand it. I tried.
From the time he told me, it took three months for us to fall apart. The apartment we had, the friends, the lifestyle, everything. I developed an eating disorder as a result, thinking that i would never want to gain in such a manner and that it terrified me. I dropped half my body weight and was skeletal. Luckily i saw sense after seeing some family holiday photos and have gotten on to the right path of eating well and gyming. it's only now that i actually have to eat more due to the training that i can begin to understand the enjoyment of actually eating. Except, for me it's eating to become strong and healthy again, to gain muscle and (in my eyes) a healthier physique.
He thought (and recently confirmed) that i split up with him because of his interest in gaining.
It wasn't that - it was because i could not understand it. I didn't care he wanted to be bigger, i loved him completely.. i just could not understand it. It was a hard contradiction, i suppose.
I guess what i am trying to say is talk to your boyfriend, over and over again, ask him if he has questions, explain it's something you two can share, it can be your 'thing'.
I hope this isn't too much of a ramble but after reading your post, i wanted to reply. If you both love each other you can make this work, it just takes time and patience.
:)
It is not my intent to seem judgmental at all, but what I'm about to say may give you that impression.
ReplyDeleteAs a man who is seeking to share my life with someone, and have them share their life with me, I find your reluctance to share this fetish with your longtime partner to be very upsetting. As I've come into the realization of what I am, and accepting who I am, I feel like I want a committed life with someone. I'm willing to give reasonable room for personal space and for that person to be who they are, and have a life outside of me and us as a couple, but yeah, I want what you have.
If somebody is with you for 8 years, man, I cannot imagine them throwing that away for a fetish you have. What is SO bad about these two worlds colliding? I mean, I could understand if this were a straight relationship, and you had to explain this to your wife, but being that the two of you are gay, the fact that you two have been together for 8 years has to say something about compromise, the merging of differing lifestyles and acceptance of said lifestyles.
From the outside looking in, I can imagine that being in a committed relationship doesn't mean that we don't look at or lust after other people, but it DOES mean that we limit that stuff out of respect for our significant others.
It's one thing if you were open about your fetish from the beginning and he scoffed at it, thus leaving you to enjoy that fetish and world on your own, but by not making him aware of it sooner, you sorta took that option away from him.
The Golden Rule™ comes to mind at times like this. What if HE were into a fetish that threatened the emotional closeness you guys took 8 years to build? And let's not even begin to discuss the fact that this type of fetish would lead an unaware partner to feel competitive, as if they have to fight for the love that they felt was already theirs.
Further, it seems as if he's starting to develop his OWN outside attractions, yet still remain committed to you. How selfish is it that you would rather keep this world all to yourself, instead of sharing it with the one you want a long-term life with, when he seems willing to let you in to the private side of HIS sexual thoughts outside of you?
Mind boggling isn't it?
(cont'd in next reply)
(cont'd from previous reply)
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna lie - the fact that he doesn't know about your videos, profiles or this blog disappoints me.
In the last 3 years, I've been a fan of Dan Savage, and advice columnist for a Seattle weekly called "The Stranger". His podcasts and column are syndicated nationwide. I became a fan because Dan's writings and podcasts, aside from being helpful in accepting my sexuality, also have been helpful in helping me to understand what makes a relationship strong.
YES, honesty is above all a good thing...and YES, solid relationships can weather all sorts of new developments, including something as weird as fat admiration. However, in an attempt to answer your question, when that 'strong sexual attraction' you feel impedes on what you have with the one you're building a life with, YES, it does more harm than good, and further, you're quite selfish to want to lock this person down into a committed life while you have your own side life that they can't be a part of. It is true that some things are best left for our private lives, dreams and fantasies, but if this person has weathered MULTIPLE years with you, isn't it worth it to try and share this part of your life with them? Why must you keep it to yourself?
If the two of you have indeed agreed that monogamy is not what works for you, then this whole thing wouldn't and shouldn't even be an issue, but from the tone of your blog, it seems as if monogamy is a default here.
I DO know that the person I share a life with will know about this side of me, and they will be invited to share in it with me. If I love them, and they love me, why can't I give them a chance to know ALL of me?
Despite my thoughts, I hope you two make it through this. I'm in love with love, and seeing two people have a fulfilling love life gives me hope for my own.
- brownround/emmtee03
I encourage you to talk with him about your fetishes and explorations together. And beyond that, see if you'd be willing to explore something that he's been exploring... and then him, likewise, with you.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't at all interested in gaining, and truth to tell know it isn't for me. That said, however, a guy turned me on to it one night in a phone session where he first had me imagine myself getting huge muscles and feeling the power of them. Then getting a huge massive gut and feeling its power, too.
Sometimes all it takes for someone to "understand" is to have them experience it themselves. These fetishes we have aren't really things to be understood. Beyond that, being gay -- or even being straight or bi -- isn't something to understand, is it? It is simply something that is so. It is a description of a living experience.
Invite him to experience your world. Put a meal together with all his most favorite foods. Stuff him. Then tell him a story about gaining. Have him rub his belly, and imagine it growing.
He'll either get into it, or not. But if he's been exploring a number of other fetishes, why not this one?
Sheesh there are some real hardliners here!
ReplyDelete