Coming out of the fridge*

One of the biggest concerns on the minds of gainers and encouragers is coming out to family and friends about their attraction to bellies and gaining. Given that most cultures value thinness and abhor fatness, it becomes an immense challenge to contemplate sharing one's attractions with fat. Yet, similar to coming out as gay or bisexual, it is psychologically important and healthy to be honest with ourselves as well as our family and friends, if for no other reason than to not lie about who we really are (lying and deceiving others extracts a huge emotional toll on our psyche, causing stress, anxiety, depression, and even physical illness).

On the surface, there really should be nothing terrible about admitting to people that we like fat men and men who get even fatter. It's simply an attraction, no different than saying one likes gingers, tall men, women with big breasts, men with little dicks, latinos, Jewish men, or any other descriptive category. But even with these seemingly benign descriptors, our family and friends DO make valuations of others -- and we were exposed to these judgements while growing up. We internalize these valuations, even if they are biased or perhaps prejudiced, because that's how young children learn about their worlds -- from their parents, family and friends. So, as an adult, you might feel that you need to date within your own religion, or race, or socioeconomic class, because this was instilled in you. If you decide to reject these valuations and do your own thing, you would need to "come out" to your family and friends about why you didn't do what was expected of you.

The same goes for belly attractions and gaining. I doubt many readers came from families where gaining, obesity and bellies were laudable. Even if you came from a family of eaters, there probably was still an underlying sense of shame in the family's obesity and a perpetual muttering from family members who wanted to shed weight. Because overweight and gaining was inculcated as a negative thing, we've internalized these beliefs and now struggle with how to tell our family and friends that we not only don't mind overweight, but we seek it out.

This struggle impacts both gainers and encouragers alike. For encouragers, although some maintain a socially-acceptable fit physique, they have to admit to family and friends that they are attracted to fatties. That's sure to raise some eyebrows. For gainers, the struggle is even more apparent. Not only might they have to admit that they are attracted to fatties, but on top of that also admit that they want to become a fatty. That will not only raise eyebrows, but heads will shake, tongues will tsk-tsk, and in some cases, tempers will flare. The thought of that kind of disapproval from important, loving people in our lives is enough to overwhelm us with worry.

As a result, many gainers and encouragers simply do not disclose this aspect of themselves with anyone. Because we have online gaining and encouraging communities, it is possible to get support regarding this part of your life while keeping your non-gaining life separate. While not ideal, it at least helps to fill a void. But by not disclosing this part of yourself to important people in your life, you risk feeling isolated, confused, anxious or stressed. These are the psychological consequences of trying to keep a secret -- including constantly having to conceal your pictures, webpage histories, phone calls/texts, etc.

Here's an example. I am very close with aunt, who goes to gay bars and parties it up with me, travels with me, and so on. She knows about all aspects of my sexuality except this part. I did tell her that am attracted to beefier guys, especially those with "beer bellies". But I haven't told her that I purposefully added a few pounds. Since she struggles with her own weight, I feel like making this disclosure would hurt her, since her own weight causes her such distress. On the other hand, its my body and not her's -- so why would she care? Clearly I still struggle with this.

Recently, my boyfriend discovered my YouTube channel by accident. As most readers know, I have a couple videos on there. :) He never knew I made videos, because I chose not to tell him. While he knows I am attracted to guys with smallish bellies, and participate on beefy sites, he didn't know that 1) I gained weight and wasn't upset that I did, and 2) I made videos documenting this. Needless to say, he was shocked and hurt. But, in a testament to his resiliency and open-mindedness, he has been working through this discovery. It hasn't been easy. He clearly does not understand my attraction to bellies, or why I would choose to put on a few pounds myself. He didn't like me "pimping my flesh" on YouTube. As a result, we made some compromises. I made my videos unlisted and they are now only available on my Myspace page, where only the gainer community (and those I add) can see them. On his part, he is allowing me to continue to participate in the beefy community -- so long as he doesn't have to participate.

You may be asking yourself, so what was gained (heh) by telling him or by him accidentally finding the videos? Well, actually, quite a bit. For one thing, I don't have to keep these secrets from him. He actually jokes around with me and calls me "Fatnesse", which is a bit surreal but also kinda nice. And even though he rejected involvement in the beefy community, at least he knows what I'm up to. Should it interest him in the future, he knows he can take a more active role. Its been very refreshing to have revealed a significant aspect of my life with him.

This post is not going to advocate that you tell the world you are into bellies and gaining, nor will it say to keep it to yourself. This is something each reader will need to decide for himself. As noted above, there are potentially some very compelling positives about telling important and trusted people in your life. On the other hand, its easy for me to imagine family and friends not reacting very well to this news, leading to rejection, embarrassment, or in rare cases, punishment.

One of things I would suggest doing to test the waters is to disclose aspects of your attraction in a manner which is somewhat more socially acceptable. For example, bellies are considered bad in most societies, yet muscles are good. So you can easily tell family and friends that you are attracted to "beefy" guys, meaning muscle and big-ness. I think a lot of people understand that not everyone is attracted to thin people, and wanting a bigger man is an acceptable choice. If that goes over well, further the conversation by adding that, "a nice beer belly is always good too." This may bring a chuckle or confused look ("really?") but at least in my experience, nobody has ever questioned it. Its just what he likes, after all. It may be easier to say you want a big man overall rather than specifically one who is fat and flabby.

A typical Charles Atlas ad

This reframing can be similarly used when telling people you want to gain. Remember Charles Atlas on the back of comic books, who promised he'd turn the 90 lb weakling who had sand kicked in his face into a massively muscled stud? I have told family and friends that I was interested in "bulking up", and the assumption is that muscle growth is a big part of that. I advocate for growing muscle with fat anyway, as muscle helps fat hang more attractively, gives you strength to tote around the extra weight, and in general will make you feel better about the weight gain. So, if you do gain muscle plus a nice big gut, you can tell people you were successful in your bulking up plan.

I tend to couch my attractions in "beefy" language, some combination of muscle+belly, or the lazy ex-jock look. Using this approach, I've never had any complaints or problems. So I'm not sure what would happen if you told someone you really want to get fat, or to date really fat men. That's never really been my focus, but perhaps its yours. My guess is initially, you'll get some flack for it. Most people will gripe about the health consequences, or express befuddlement in your attractions. But in time, they may learn to accept it, and you can be yourself in their presence.

Just like coming out as gay, you need to evaluate whether disclosing that you are into bellies and/or want to grow your own belly is something that you can safely do and will improve your life. If so, then you might want to take the risk, because having good friends and family in your gaining corner is very therapeutic. As you come out of the gaining fridge*, your overall well-being will likely improve as you no longer need to hide an important aspect of yourself. 

* I want to acknowledge losemybreath4444 for his creative coining of this term.